“All men ARE Idiots!”
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem/ blog titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then, she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3am on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and youre a total floozy. But i want you to know theres always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/ I Love You" drunken phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once.
All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am i emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, i suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Most times, this method leaves gruesome emotional scars.
Marriage:
Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk about "the bachelor party".
Offspring:
Ahh… children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their dental appointments, soccer practice, swimming lessons, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes n dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking (BULLSHIT!) Unless the answer is yes (THATLL NEVER HAPPEN!). In which case, can he videotape it? (DUH!)
A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay home having freaky circus sex all night?” (RAIGHTTTT!)
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys sunglasses, a snazzy new outfit (yes…just ONE) more golf clubs, a REALLY good toupe and goes shopping for a Porsche. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and ride Harleys.
Language:
To men, there is nothing inherently wrong with the word "pussy". Apparently, for women, "Fine." is not an acceptable way to end an argument as well.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still at the video arcade and farting in the tub.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of "The Three Stooges" comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, man's favorite stooge. The women will roll their eys and groan and wait it out.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use large loops in their "p's" and "g's". Contrary to popular belief, it is NOT a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when shes dumping you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Pets:
Women love pets. Men say they love pets, but when women arent looking, men kick pets.
Grooming:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are immaculate; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface - mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, etc.
If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute – NOT!
Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good!.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a brazillian.
Girls, stop asking. If you truly want honesty, dont ask men questions you dont really want the answer to.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the niceness of "bald."
Directions:
Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions. If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station or a 7-11 and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like ive found a new way to get there", "I know im somewhere close.”, “K…this IS the scenic route” and “I recognize THAT McDonald’s".
Bathrooms:
A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a stolen hotel towel.
The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
It is only common courtesy that men should leave the seat on the toilet DOWN when you are done. Wrath or no wrath, “Don’t be such a dick!”
The Telephone:
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didnt die. He just didnt want to call you.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4,000 for state-of-the-art equipment, build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men never grow out of their obsession wih toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six batteries to operate.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they grew up identifying with Barbie.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of men’s early films end with a scream and a flush.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My ex has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.
Hanging out:
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports, women and booze. When four or more women get together, they talk about the shit men are.
Going out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. Jeans and a shirt/ t-shirt is considered appropriate for ANY occasion.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready to go out, AS SOON as she finds her other earring, try on ANOTHER outfit just to make sure, search for better lighting to make sure shoes are color matched, essentially needs ANOTHER hour finalising that clutch/ purse/ carry-all, finishes putting on her make-up, “Should I tie my hair up? Should I bun it instead? How bout this pink hair clip? Erm…hairband?” ......
In a bar/ club:
Female: “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (Shows genuine concern that your drunk buddy may have passed out in the mensroom)
Male: "Hey, where is that friend of yours?" (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive girlfriend into a compromising position.) .
Female: "Can I get a Shirley Temple pls." (I'm easy.)
Male: "Can I get a Shirley Temple pls." (I'm gay.) .
Female: "I don't feel well, let's go home." (You are paying more attention to your friends than me, asshole!)
Male: I don't feel well, let's go home."(I'm horny.)
Male to male: "Excuse Me." (Get the hell out of the way.)
Male to female: "Excuse Me." (I am going to grope you now)
Female to male: "Excuse Me." (Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
Female to female: "Excuse Me." (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? Coming in here dressing like a ho... Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
Shopping:
Most men hate to shop. Thats why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
Lets face it, if there weren’t any women around, the words ‘mall’ and ‘store’ would not exist!
Shoes:
If it rains, a woman wil carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from a reputable dept. store. She will then wear her weekend sandals to work. After she gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off as her feet are under her desk and also because preservation is the key to unwanted hassling, haggling and groping at shoe sales.
A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day, entire week, entire year.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like shit. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring, and thats it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic, or a thug from the wrong side of the hood.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazine also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by the general public.
Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
Dressing up & Clothes:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, go clubbing, for breakfast, for lunch (in a different outfit of cos), for dinner (yep…u got it, yet another different outfit), water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail, walk the dog and every other imaginable activity possible.
A man will dress up for: weddings…full stop.
Men have an easier time buying swimwear. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men. Ive never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here! There's another man wearing the same tie!"
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the supermarket and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a bottle of beer (gee, now did that happen?) and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his fully laden cart is filled 90% with beer and 10% of things he absolutely does not need. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Cooking:
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Chips.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. Either that or one of his gay buddies put him up to a “pretend-to-like-women night” bet.
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (i.e. Microwaving a ham sandwich, fixing canned pasta, etc.) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
Movies & Television:
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in ‘Gone With The Wind’. For men, its the full length feature of the sequel to ‘The 3 Stooges : Curly goes to School’
Men are very confident people. Theyre so confident that when they watch sports on television, they think that if they concentrate a lil harder, they can help their team. If the team is in trouble, they coach the players from the living room, and if theyre really in deep deep trouble, women will have to get off the phone just in case the team calls them.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly. Why?
Men forget everything; women remember everything. Thats why men need instant replays in sports.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the gym and dates only married women.
Nudity in Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Sports injuries:
Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee, that must hurt." The man cringes, doubles over, makes a grimacing face and actually feels pain. Why again?
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, sports, and women. They exaggerate about money, they dont know sports nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Nicknames:
With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like "Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk", women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Slim Jim.
7 things you'll never hear a man say:
7) Here honey,YOU use the remote.
6) Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5) Im gonna get another beer, can i get you anything?
4) Sex isnt that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3) Aww, forget the football match, lets watch Desperate Housewives instead.
2) Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1) We never talk anymore.
7 things you'll never hear a woman say:
7) What do you mean today's our anniversary?
6) Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
5) Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4) Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3) Aww, dont stop for directions, im sure youll be able to figure out how to get there.
2) I dont care if its on sale, 300 dollars is way too much for a designer dress.
1) Can we not watch tv tonight? I just wanna have sex.
Whats the difference between a golf ball and a G spot?
Men will spend 8 hours looking for a golf ball!
